FOR DYING OUT LOUD 666

BAD HARE DAY



KOTTENTAIL (2004)
Nathan Faudree, Patricia Bellemore, Noel Francomano, Bridget Marquardt, Kristin Abbott, Heather Darling
Directed by Tony Urban
Approaching the Easter holiday in smalltown Pennsylvania, 2 devout animal liberationists (Robin the smart one, a newspaper reporter, and Lizzie the dumb one, a hooker) are not happy with the "Overlook Animal Research Laboratory" conducting work on genetic engineering. Everything in the lab thus far has been carried out by 2 scientists, the male Dr. Pez and female Dr. Scarlet Salinger (Bridget Marquardt, a former Playboy playmate, and ex-girlfriend of Hugh Hefner). Their test subject is a rabbit named Frederico (a plush toy in a cage that can be seen pulled by a visible string). Pez uses cruel torture with an electric prod while Salinger is the caring, sensitive one. One night Robin and Lizzie (and the ALF they are not) decide to set Frederico free (in the parking lot). They have no idea that the bunny's genes are a screwy mess from being subject to experiments, and once released, anything the vicious little bugger bites will turn into a deadly, giant, mutant rabbit-hybrid. Enter German immigrant farmer Hans Kottentail. He finds Frederico in his carrot garden, is bitten on the hand and then passes out. This however will be more than just a case of getting a shot for rabies. He quickly begins to change as he grows fur, gets pointier earlobes ala Dr. Spock, sprouts a considerable bucktooth overbite, poops pellets that look like malteasers (or Cocoa Puffs), starts hopping, and looks like a cross between the Donnie Darko rabbit and a werewolf. In no time at all, murderous fury has overtaken Hans -- now morphed into full rage-mode creature -- and he goes on a killing spree. He needn't worry about bloodstains on his fluffy coating as he still dons his blue jean overalls and plaid shirt.

Robin and Lizzie (actually just Robin) grow suspicious that the news reports of the research facility break-in make no mention of a missing rabbit, and have treated the incident as a typical prank. Dr. Salinger has retrieved Frederico which was captured by an Animal Control officer who saw one of her reward fliers. She reads lab reports that discuss testing flaws detailing highly infectious contagion that if spread to humans, would prove disastrous. When the boyfiend of a young sorority pledge named Marissa (who looks great in an orange bikini) is killed by Hans, she at first is dismissed by a detective but meets Officer Yvonne Mikita (whose running joke is that she is treated by everybody as little more than a meter maid) who investigates further. Lizzie recognizes Hans (from before his transformation) as one of her johns, and she & Robin meet up with Officer Mikita. The intrepid officer speaks with Dr. Salinger who she senses is hiding the truth, and is uncooperative with information about the rash of ravenous murders connected to Frederico. Mikita along with the 2 activists & Marissa abduct Dr. Salinger forcing her to reveal what she knows and she finally comes around. The 5 ladies meet at Mikita's place to form a plan. Robin (with her non-shortage of slutty outfits) dresses them into a quintuplet of sexy centerfold commandos (complete with bunny ears, white fuzzy-lined bikini tops, tight pink skimpy shorts with puffy tails, and of course black kneehigh boots). In a montage of each stripping down to don their costume, once ready, they head out in slo-mo to Hans' house in a face-off to stop him from turning all the remaining locals into human hasenpfeffer.

KOTTENTAIL is a low budget indie production with its tongue firmly in cheek. It's ridiculous and knows it (right off the bat, a journalist and a prostitute sounds like the set-up to a bad joke) but told with okay-ish comic panels (animation in keeping with its graphic novel presentation would've been better than blur), the story unfolds with surprisingly good narrative flow and editing. The acting definitely isn't great and there are plenty of instances where the delivery is just phoned in. The body count is high (including an apartment landlord, 2 basketball youths, 2 detectives, 3 city councillors who were hiding Easter eggs, and 3 bitchy sorority sisters -- with another Buffy & Muffy pairing in that trio -- are all slashed, nibbled & chomped to death) and a few of the women who show skin clearly didn't have any problem with their brief T&A nudity (which to an extent could have been a little more gratuitous as you kind of wait for it anyway in lieu of the gore being light). There was even an Elmer Fudd quote waiting in the wings. Observing the limitations due to lacking funds can't be helped: a same room is both the Animal Control Dept. and the Research lab. Actor John Karyus who plays Agent Chapman the Animal Control officer is also Detective Fulci -- a separate character. Hans wears a plain bunny horror mask, has a little prosthetic make-up, gloves with pasted on fur & clip-on claws, and is smeared with Halloween prop-store blood. Moneybags this ain't. You're bound to laugh at this movie more than with it but as far as effort goes, it's very apparent that this is deliberately nutty and never dares to take itself seriously. At all. How could it? At every step of the way, the filmmakers and cast know what they are involved in is goofy. It still would have been nice if a little more had been put into KOTTENTAIL but hey, atleast they didn't deliver another tiresome, knife-wielding/gun-toting, rampaging adult in a full bunny suit or plastic bunny mask.




NIGHT OF THE LEPUS (1972)
Rory Calhoun, Stuart Whitman, Janet Leigh, DeForrest Kelley, Melanie Fullerton, Paul Fix, Henry Wills
Directed by William F. Claxton
Exasperated Arizona cattle rancher Cole Hillman is dealing with a problematic massive herd of jackrabbits swamping his land now that they needn't worry about coyotes who have been killed off. With his livestock endangered, Hillman gets help from a cranky local college president, Elgin Clark, to find a method which will humanely & safely resolve the matter. Also brought in are a pair of husband & wife zoologist researchers (the Bennetts) who inject the rabbits with chemicals. What could possibly go wrong? Well for starters, how about the failure to consider the catastrophic consequences of their intended hormone control? Genetically mutated blood (a serum provided by the Public Health Dept.) is used to disrupt rabbit reproduction by causing birth defects in the hopes of restoring a balance (as other ranchers want to use cyanide poisoning) but in the experimentation, the Bennetts' annoying daughter fancies herself wanting a pet. She secretly switches an injected test bunny she admires, named Romeo, with one from a control group supplied by Hillman. She takes Romeo to the ranch, who soon escapes. Who saw that coming? Large animal footprints lead to a cave, and a prospector, truck driver, and family of 4 are soon killed. [The doctor examining the trucker's body states he was killed by a predator with a bite like a sabretooth tiger. That is one helluva prime suspect]. As the rabbits breed like crazy (and man, do they multiply according to biology), they turn into overgrown, wolf-ish, mongrel mutants, overpopulate even more, and start devouring everyone they can twitch their little snot-running & ketchup-smeared noses at. And bloodthirsty badasses they are as they take down horses and man-alike. No veggies on this menu. As the scientists desperately work to fight the transformed menace they have created (the Bennetts vs. the Cadbury bunnies -- it's on!), more munched-on bodies pile up.

Mr. Bennett and a rancher enter the cave to get photographic evidence and they observe tunnels. Dynamite is laid on top of the cave and once the 2 men are outside, the explosives are detonated but fail to blow the rabbits to smithereens. That night, the rabbits attack Hillman's ranch & house in a thunderous stampede (in a cowboy-ish feel like buffalo) and as he hides in the cellar with his family, the rabbits maraud their way into a small town, ransacking a general store and killing another rancher. In the morning, Mrs. Bennett & her daughter leave for safety but their camper van gets stuck by a desert road where they are trapped till nightfall. The rabbits cause a hurried evacuation, return the next night for round 2 as they head towards the city, and the National Guard is eventually called in to wipe out these goddamn, ambushing motherhoppers once & for all, with some impromptu assistance from a helicopter rescue, drive-in movie goers, car headlights, high voltage railroad tracks, and help from the local power company. Based on the 1964 satirical sci-fi novel 'The Year of the Angry Rabbit' by Russell Braddon, to call NIGHT OF THE LEPUS a bad movie would be a gross understatement. It is 100% preposterous. From mediocre acting & directing, and hokey sfx, this widely panned and far-fetched feature goes above & beyond just being a poor movie -- it is laughably absurd to the max. And it is for these very same reasons why it is also admired and loved by connoisseurs of truly substandard cinema. The movie has gained a cult status for being unintentionally hilarious as we see the little critters jumping about on miniature model sets in zoom close-ups, have actors dressed in bunny suits for attack scenes, and rabbits heard with dubbed-in lion's growls & roars. We also get to see them in slo-mo roaming the desert plains, terrifying cattle. Overwhelmingly is how rabbits are just incapable of being scary. It's impossible. Period. Even hordes (or 'warrens') of them.

Make them as big as you can and they'll still never stop being cuddly, benign and adorable. Anything that immediately evokes wascally Bugs Bunny is not going to sell you on being frightened. Even the German & Austrian movie poster tries boldly to do so with its artistic depiction going for rabid, screaming carnage, but ultimately ends up looking instead like a surprised beaver. Monty Python masterfully tackled the 'ferocious killer bunny' angle so much better in 1975, and while LEPUS pre-dates HOLY GRAIL by 3yrs, it nevertheless feels like it's paying some homage and a shared lineage of sorts to that cute, little, carnivorous cave guardian of Caerbannog. For all of the unconvincingness of LEPUS, there is a some small retro enjoyment to be had as one of several 1970's 'nature strikes back' eco-thrillers of it's day. That said, it could be argued that perhaps it was trying to evoke some 1950's nostalgic throwback to giant creatures that run amok because of science gone wrong. If the movie has only one thing going for it, that would be not getting bogged down in any subplot. Everything right off the bat is cause & effect. What was interesting was the opening newscaster talking about the rabbit epidemic in Australia in a documentary style. That prologue provided an actual dose of reality of how the introduction & infestation of an invasive species to a countryside could be environmentally detrimental in the long run, and how rabbit containment requires necessary culling. One wonders if the 4 main actors were in such dire straits of really needing to pay the bills to appear in this clunker. And credit to them for not looking like they are embarrassed to be part of everything here. LEPUS has been called one the worst horror movies ever made (more dumb than lousy, infact) and continues to be regarded as a shambles. And that's being nice. How MGM amazingly even greenlit this is probably just as mysterious as it is miraculous. Seriously, who (and how many) thought this was a good idea? Simply put, it has to be seen to be disbelieved.