WILDLIFE'S WRATH 1



ALLIGATOR (1980)
Robert Forster, Robin Riker, Michael V. Gazzo, Henry Silva, Dean Jagger, Jack Carter, Patti Jerome
Directed by Lewis Teague
Chicago, that toddlin' town. (Or are we really in Missouri?) August 1968. Marisa Kendall has just returned with her family from a Florida vacation (complete with an alligator wrestlin' show where a performer was badly injured by his animal opponent and almost became lunch). She's brought back a baby alligator she bought, and named it Ramón. Mean Dad is none too thrilled about this wee sprog of a pet, and flushes it down the toilet where it makes its new residence in the sewers. Ramón survives by eating dead dogs which have been dumped in the sewers (not counting the obvious and endless hors d'oeuvres of disgusting rats scurrying around). The canines were part of secret & illegal lab tests, all injected with a genetic growth formula. The project was being run by a nefarious pharmaceutical corporation, and scrapped because of the side effects of alarming hormone growth and voracious appetite. Having fed on these carcasses, the alligator mutated into a gigantic 36ft. beast, with impenetrable skin. And with the experimental hyper-serum coursing through its body, this is one Ramón who is not sedated♪ 12yrs have passed, and now with sewer workers being gobbled up, and human limbs washing up, Officer David Madison is assigned to both a rash of pet disappearances and the grisly investigation. He has a bad rep for unluckiness with partners thanks to a case he worked in St. Louis that finished in fiasco. With the news running a 'Jack the Ripper-like madman at large' angle, Madison meets Marisa, who has grown up to become a herpetologist (reptile & amphibian expert). Both begin a rocky Burton/Taylor affair, and he gets along with her rambling Mom. The couple also have warm discussions about male baldness.

When Madison ventures in the sewers with an enthusiastic young cop named Jim Kelly (too bad it wasn't the blaxploitation karate hero(!), looking for clues, Ramón puts the hi-yah! chomp on Kelly, dragging him away. Madison's freaked out account falls on deaf ears, and he is further helped in being disbelieved by Slade, a wealthy bigshot industrialist in the Windy City (or are we really in Missouri?) with an agenda: he wants to cover up his dubious involvement with the lab tests. Things ramp up when tabloid reporter, Thomas Kemp, ventures in the sewers looking for undeniable proof of the alligator. Kemp is a smearing nuisance and pain in the ass of Madison, but he gets the shocking photographic evidence needed at the expense of becoming Ramón's latest snack (as well as making the front page with his own demise). The story becomes a public sensation and an all out hunt begins to flush out the massive creature. As the police and SWAT (some armed with rocket launchers) fail in their efforts, and with Madison fired (for getting to close to the truth by uncovering the lab connections), Ramón has decided to expand his geographical horizons. Yes, tired of stalking subterraneously in putrid and dank dwellings, the creature finally comes above ground by bursting through a sidewalk to interrupt a night game of street stickball. After another cop is killed, egotistic big-game hunter Colonel Brock (who hires a trio of ghetto kids as "native guides" for assistance) is brought in to track the beast. He is hilarious when he flirts with a TV newswoman by imitating a male alligator in heat, and again when he later finds an enormous dung heap. A young boy in his backyard birthday party ends up on the menu after a tragic game of swimming pool 'walk the plank', and Brock becomes a meal when he is ambushed from out of a garbage pile in jive-named Booger Alley.

Like arrogant Great White Hunters before him, it was only a matter of time before he met his match that turned him into the prey. Same as before, law enforcement fails to bag the creature after a bungled chase in a reservoir, and an uninvited Ramón (just wanting to have something to do♪) gatecrashes a garden wedding reception held at Slade's mansion. Plowing through the jet set, and skipping the champagne & cake, the alligator stomps and crushes his way towards human hamburger as Slade, the crooked Mayor, the groom (who was a lab scientist conducting the tests) and several other guests all become fatal food. Ramón biting his way into this snooty social register (with his own unique version of these people = gourmet cuisine) on the most special & unforgettable of happy, ceremonial occasions will not quickly be forgotten. Madison and Marisa follow Ramón back into the sewer, where David lures him to a section that has been packed with dynamite charges. Killed by a huge detonation of explosives, we bid farewell Ramón: you don't have to live this life anymore♪ As the couple walk away together after blowing up the beast, a drain in the sewer dribbles out another baby alligator. Using the premise of an old NYC urban legend, the threat of ecological nightmare striking back as nature's karma, and a little mad science; from the belly of a city to the bowels of a monster, ALLIGATOR (riding on the back of the popularity of JAWS, and JAWS 2) is an enjoyable thriller. With it's mixture of action, and eccentric rounded out characters, there is a solid pacing that never plods, decent practical fx (which should be commended for not looking too cumbersome like Bruce the shark, and of which Bryan Cranston worked as a production assistant), and real juvenile gators crawling through some miniature model sets (which will garner laughs for looking ill-advised).

All told, there is a rollicking and pre-CGI glorious good time to be had here. The movie's sewer scenes have a creepy atmospheric touch, and with its fine dose of humor, film & TV pop culture fans will get the witty injokes about Ed Norton and Harry Lime. Together, this complimentary balance of fear and even slight frolic gels well together: When unsavory pet store owner/dog catcher, Luke Gutchel (who sold poor lil' pups to the lab, and callously disposed of their bodies) becomes an early victim in the sewer, a stage is set for more comeuppance. When victims are trapped in the creature's gargantuan gaping mouth, it looks frighteningly real. And when we see the rampage through the demolished wedding, the crème de la crème carnage and bourgeois ruin is wonderfully silly & over the top. Also of note is how this monster deserves props -- he's no slouch and more than just a devouring machine, he actually manages to get himself around Chi-Town (or are we really in Missouri?)... [An awful SyFy remake placing us in Chicago would go overboard to incorporate the Sears/Willis Tower; Wrigley Field; the Bean in Millennium Park; the Biograph Theatre; the Daley Plaza; and of course, the famed River. And I wouldn't rule out the old Joliet Prison either]. Written by screenwriter/director/actor John Sayles (who slips in jabs at media circus frenzy, the class system in the USA, and torturous vivisection), ALLIGATOR brings the chomp and delivers. [Sayles had just done PIRANHA (1978) and THE HOWLING (1981) would be next]. While there are plenty of oversized, maneating gator/croc pictures to sink your teeth into, this beloved and fun B-movie is one of the very best in the bunch.




GRIZZLY (1976)
Christopher George, Richard Jaeckel, Andrew Prine, Joe Dorsey, Joan McCall, Tom Arcuragi, Charles Kissinger
Directed by William Girdler
Macho and denim-clad helicopter pilot, Don Stober, is flying 2 Senators high above a National Park, telling them the forested area has been unencroached much since the days of the Native Americans, and is making a case for conservation. Simultaneously, Michael Kelly, the head ranger is briefing his team who in turn rally a group of backpackers for a hike. Meanwhile, his perky photographer girlfriend, Allison, is at the local restaurant lodge owned by her Dad. When 2 female hikers (claiming they've walked 10 miles(!), are savagely killed by an unseen animal except for a swiping paw, they are reported missing and a search for them is conducted. Their mangled bodies (one of which is partially buried) are found and afterwards, the coroner confirms a bear was responsible. This was no camping accident. Charley Kittridge, the park supervisor rakes Michael over the coals saying since bears are supposed to be moved to high country so as not to interfere with the tourist season, this looks like gross negligence by the ranger, warranting an investigation. Both men argue about shutting down the park, the safety of moving hikers off the park's mountain while keeping campers in the lowlands, and of Arthur Scott -- the eccentric outdoors expert who has tagged all the bears. It seems they might have a rogue on their hands so Michael contacts Arthur to have him find out and take care of the problem. A ranger-couple searching for the bear in the woods, split up with the young lady stripping to bra & panties (because she wanted to soak her feet) to emulate a shampoo commercial beneath a waterfall.

The timing for the semi-skinny dip couldn't be worse and it's the last shower she'll ever take as the bear strikes -- complete with killer-POV/gazing distance that mirrors a peep show of every sex maniac ever who murders a woman in her skivvies. Allison tries to cheer up Michael over his frustration with the whole ensuing scrape, and the next day he is taken up in the helicopter by Don to look for the bear. They meet Arthur (out tracking in an deer-pelt cape) who tells them their animal is indeed an outsider: a 15ft near-prehistoric grizzly weighing over 2000lbs. Don & Michael are casually unconvinced and scoff. At a nearby campsite, a woman enters her tent for a little cosmetic fresh-up, and is killed by the barging-in bear as people flee in panic over the sound of her dying screams. Michael consoles the crying boyfriend, and is again blasted by Charley whom also gives Arthur a dose of his bad temper. Charley is one annoying authoritarian: as a stubborn park supervisor who is told that a grizzly is on the loose, he too is dismissive, and still staunchly refuses to close down the park. Michael is pissed off to see hunters in the woods the next day -- one of whom narrowly escapes a confrontation with the bear by throwing his rifle down(!) and tumbling down a river bank into the water to be swept away by the current. Charley states offering a bounty is the best solution, and as to why as park supervisor he is an incessant ballbreaker full of resistance? He doesn't like Michael for being a maverick. Allison wants to join in the bear hunt but Michael gives her a firm 'hell no'! (and from that point forward she goes AWOL for the rest of the movie).

That night, a bunch of hunters try to capture a bear cub to use as bait, but their effort is all for naught as killer bear drops in and makes dinner out of the Teddy Ruxpin. Michael is again pissed, this time at the hunters for their botched insensitivity. Arthur chimes in to say the grizzly is male since they are known to eat their young. Michael, Don, Arthur, and the hunters form a plan to flush out the bear, with Don telling a story about an ancient tribe of grizzlies that once ate an Indian tribe (USS Indianapolis speech, anyone?) Arthur states he'd like to take the bear alive using tranquilizers which causes an argument with a disagreeing Don (with both men descending into each insulting the other's mother), but Michael gives Arthur the OK on condition that he not act alone. At sunrise, the plan is kicked into gear with the male ranger companion of waterfall girl, who is in an observation watchtower overlooking the forest. The bear pays him a visit and in lumberjack mode, knocks down the tower. Killed in the fall, the ranger's body is found and back in Michael's office, predictable Charley again rips Michael a new one by insisting he needs extra help, while Arthur leaves both men to continue their shouting match. An angry Michael yells about closing the park, and condemns the invited media parked outside; accusing Charley of headline-seeking and political opportunism to land himself on Capitol Hill. That night at the ranger station, Arthur goes after the bear solo. In the morning, a young boy is playing with his rabbit in a fenced yard while his Mom is tending to a clothesline inside.

The rabbit escapes but is brought back by the boy who unknowingly leaves the gate door open. [Sorry little fella, this ain't Yogi Bear here to steal picnic baskets. Or Winnie the Pooh or Paddington in search of honey. Or Smokey the Bear to warn you about fire. Or Baloo from THE JUNGLE BOOK ready to sing 'The Bare Necessities'. Or TV's Gentle Ben visiting from the Everglades]... The kid screams as he is scooped up in a bear hug causing Mom to run outside, armed with a broom to fend off the grunting & growling beast. The bear rips the boy's left leg off below the knee and Mom is killed. With the mutilated kid in the hospital and Mom in the morgue, a shocked Charley is finally removed, and Michael tells the media that greed -- and they -- are to blame for incompetence & turmoil in addition to the bear's reign of terror. The park is finally closed, along with all hunters banned. The next day, Michael and Don grab weapons and use a gutted deer carcass hanging from a tree as a trap before setting off in another helicopter search. The bear is chased through the woods (yellow barrels, anyone?) but it disappears, and returns to claim its Bambi steak. Arthur looks for the elusive bear on horseback and finds the deer remains which he drags behind him as a lure. The bear ambushes him, decapitates the horse with one smack(!), and half-buries him. Unconscious Arthur attempts to Lazarus himself from his shallow mini-grave but the bear comes back and finishes him for good. Michael and Don find his body, and when they take chase in the air, they spot the animal in a patch of open field and land in a clearing.

The bear shoves the helicopter causing it to spin which ejects Don. Don shoots the bear with a shotgun but to no avail and is killed. Michael shoots it with a rifle but also to no avail. Not to fret however, he grabs a bazooka (the US Forest Service had access to that?) and blows the big bad bruin to a Rambo-style, fiery kingdom come. We conclude with Michael sadly walking past its burning remains, back towards Don's body. [The novel by Will Collins featured a different conclusion with Don surviving his attack, and Michael using a flamethrower]. Filmed in Georgia, GRIZZLY for the longest time has been called a shameless JAWS-on-land ripoff, blatantly trying to capitalize on that phenomenon's success, one year after its blockbuster release. [Michael was Chief Brody; Allison was Ellen Brody; Arthur was Hooper; Don and his helicopter were Quint and his boat; Charley was Mayor Vaughn; the 2 female hikers were a doubleshot of Chrissie Watkins; the little boy was Alex Kintner; the local yokel hunters were the throngs of fishermen attracted to the $10,000 reward; and Harvey Flaxman (the movie's writer & producer) has a cameo as a reporter, just as author Peter Benchley did]. Inspite of the truth to the exploitation accusation, and widely bashed by critics, this B-movie was still a surprising success that resulted in a box office of $39 million worldwide, from its low budget of $750,000. It was also the most profitable indie film of 1976, and remained so -- all-time -- until 1978 when a little picture called HALLOWEEN took its crown away.

The movie's overkill and "smile, you sonofabitch!" ending is gonzo terrible-riffic, and yet fitting for the crescendo of all the bear's carnivorous maulings. With nice scenic aerial photography, several spots of bad acting, and as one of the first bear copycats in the 'when animals attack' category -- as quickie offerings also saw CLAWS (1977), and PROPHECY (1979) -- what looks like ursine baloney for its campiness, mechanical furry arms, stuntmen in bear suits, and acrylic paint-looking blood, is nevertheless still quite earnest and fondly remembered. And then there's the bear itself which kept changing in size thus never looking as giant as described. The poster also wrongly has it at 18ft, and its fierce cover art looks more of a conjuring of the bear that mega-trounced Leonardo DiCaprio in THE REVENANT. So overall, is the movie underappreciated and even underestimated, while being cheapish, thinly written, and unoriginal? Yes. Is it unwatchable? Definitely not. GRIZZLY is roaring and formulaic fun with its cheesy charm, some corny puns to think about (great pause, grisly demise, bearing thoughts), and a monster who has a real sinister knack for silently popping in from outta nowhere. [There was an attempt to film a sequel in 1983 titled GRIZZLY 2: THE PREDATOR about another bear attacking an outdoor concert. Shot in Hungary, and starring George Clooney, Charlie Sheen, Laura Dern, Louise Fletcher, and John Rhys-Davies, the film was shelved due to fx problems, but a bootleg workprint (showing the movie has not aged well) was released in 2007].

IT AIN'T ODOR TIL IT'S OGRE



BEOWULF & GRENDEL (2005)
Gerard Butler, Stellan Skarsgård, Ingvar E. Sigurðsson, Sarah Polley, Eddie Marsan, Tony Curran, Rory McCann
Directed by Sturla Gunnarsson
Daneland (Denmark). Circa 700 AD. A giant troll (unlike any J.R.R. Tolkien description) with his young son, Grendel, is being chased on a high seaside cliff by King Hrothgar and a group of vikings. Dad tells his blond boy to hide and is slain by arrows from the soldiers, with his body falling to the beach below. Peeking out from a ledge, Grendel is seen by Hrothgar but spared. Left alone, the orphaned boy takes his father's severed head (that he hacked off with a sword) back to his cave where he places it in a shrine. Years pass and Grendel has grown into a muscular behemoth who is exacting revenge against the Danes. Hrothgar likes to unwind in his great mead hall (Heorot Hall) but has been unable to enjoy himself among his people for quite some time as Grendel haunts him like a plague by raiding his village at will, and killing his soldiers in bloody fashion. Drunken, depressed & tired of this inconsiderate harassment, Hrothgar gets help from a fellow kinsman, King Hygelac of Geatland (southern Sweden) who sends his best soldier, loyal and war-weary Beowulf, along with 13 fighters, and the group sail to Daneland. When the heroic Beowulf (whose exaggerated reputation precedes him) and his men arrive, they find Hrothgar in despair and his community frightened from Grendel's nightly pestering. The villagers are so terrified that they've turned to a blathering Irish monk for solace, Father Brendan, who urges them to abandon paganism and convert to Christianity. Beowulf and his men enter the mead hall, admire the comely buxom wenches, and vow to kick Grendel's ass.

They have their first encounter with Grendel when they hear him tromping around outside. Prepared to face him, Grendel however urinates on the door, repulsing everyone as troll piss smells unbelievably nauseating, and he flees. Having steeled themselves to fight Grendel, they are puzzled by the big burly brute not obliging them. Their first search for Grendel unsuccessfully brings them to a desolate snowy landscape, and later after witnessing villagers being baptized, Beowulf meets Selma, an ambiguous villager who lives in the outskirt hills, apart from her neighbors. Regarded as a witch (but is really an insightful seer), she tells Beowulf to be careful. But by Odin's beard and Valhalla, Beowulf and his men didn't travel all this way for their mission to go belly up, and to not engage in a show of battle. After a little training with his men, Beowulf visits Selma again (whom to her surprise is not there to get in her pants) for more insight and when he catches a glimpse of Grendel outside her hut, he chases him and angrily spits out threats of vengeance. But he is told by Selma that Grendel will not confront him because the Geat has done him no harm. When Beowulf and his men are taken to the cliff by a mentally afflicted villager, they find Grendel's cave and when they leave by boat (intending to come back with rope to scale down the treacherous escarpment), one of the men is grabbed by a mysterious webbed hand that lunges out of the water, almost pulling him in but the figure swims away. Returning to the cave, the men find piles of bones, and one of the soldiers, Hondscioh, mutilates the mummified head of dead Dad to the silent & shocked astonishment of the others.

That night, an enraged Grendel returns to destroy the mead hall, where he rag dolls & makes short work of the Geats, and kills Hondscioh for the desecration by snapping his neck. As Grendel runs up through the rafters, Beowulf traps him by ensnaring his right wrist in a rope. Grendel jumps but hanging in the air, he defiantly cuts off his entire arm from his arm pit with a broken spear tip allowing him to fall down and run away. As he escapes capture, Beowulf stares in almost catatonic amazement -- after yet another confrontation that his made him & his men look like a band of incompetent clodhoppers. Staggering along a beach, Grendel wanders into the water and collapses dead where the webbed hand reaches up and guides the body further out from shore. In the morning, a pitiful Hrothgar tells Beowulf that he killed Grendel's father for stealing a fish and spared the boy out of pity; looking remorseful for the miserable curse it brought. That night, the severed arm is nailed to a post in the mead hall during celebrations and Beowulf drops in at Selma's where she tells him that Grendel had once raped her, which left her with more empathy than enmity. [The way she conveys her quiet politeness and complacent acceptance of being violated is bothersome to say the least]. As Beowulf and Selma have a roll in the hay (Really? A story of sexual assault followed immediately by fucking?), the mysterious water figure takes to land, killing Father Brendan. The mermaidy sea hag wanders into the mead hall and lets out a shrill scream when it sees the nailed severed arm.

She uses it to crush Hygelac to death and as she leaves, she is seen by a redheaded boy that enters Selma's hut -- hers & Grendel's son whom she has kept secret. The next morning, Beowulf and his men ride horseback along the beach where they come across Hygelac's severed head impaled on a stick. Entering a lagoon in a cave, Beowulf swims through a passageway and emerges at the other end on a waterfall side, where he finds Grendel's body, the severed arm placed by it, and a mound of treasure. He's attacked by the sea hag -- Grendel's mourning mother -- who attempts to strangle him, but he smashes her head with a rock and uses a sword to kill her. Selma's son runs toward him also wielding a sword, with Beowulf realizing just who he is. After a funeral service for Hygelac, Beowulf visits Selma for a final time warning her that the intolerant Danes will kill her son if they find out about his existence. Saying that he is not like the Danes, she ironically equates his own action of sparing the child after the death of its father, just as Hrothgar did the many years ago. Back on the beach, Beowulf has buried Grendel with a rock monument built out of respect to the fallen troll, and unaware that he was seen from a distance by Selma's son, mother and child then watch as Beowulf and his men sail back to Geatland. The Beowulf and Grendel story is an epic Anglo-Saxon poem first written in the 11th Century, and considered the oldest text in the English language. [In 1731, the original manuscript was severely damaged by fire, along with several other medieval writings in London].

The perilous quest of this warrior matched against a beast has multiple tellings such as a 1981 animated film; a 1999 sci-fi feature film; a 2007 Sci-Fi Channel TV-movie; a 2007 3D-animated film; and numerous incarnations in literature & novels, video games, a board game, comics & graphic novels, music, opera, live theatre, and TV. [For another movie that loosely follows the Beowulf and Grendel storyline, check out 1999's THE 13TH WARRIOR, which itself is an adaption of Michael Crichton's 1976 novel, 'Eaters of the Dead']. BEOWULF & GRENDEL can largely be seen as a study of outsiders: Selma is a wise former whore and an outcast for her ability to foretell death, and is bestowing life lessons while alienated from her peers. Father Brendan is a hostile Celt who preaches the advent of his religion as the only true worship -- one that will emerge as a sweeping invader to overtake Norse beliefs. Beowulf is a hired gun brought in to take down a menacing nuisance whom becomes a formidable foe, and this enemy is a foreign problem that turns the Geat's personal troubled state of trying to understand into one of increasing complexity filled with regret. And lastly, Grendel has been given a sympathetic spin as a scourge born of innocence and grudge, who is more of a misunderstood, persecuted and tragic victim than a fiendish, murderous barbarian-remnant said to have descended from Cain. (The "stinking" aspect of him still applies). This 2005 rendition is not a bad movie but neither is it one-dimensional even though some of the characters could have been padded a bit more and better developed.

And as Selma, Father Brendan, Grendel's father, and Grendel's son are all new additions in this version, so too is the traditional hero vs. monster / good vs. evil dynamic which is specifically laid out as not so cut n' dry this time around but with a meaning to the madness. [In the poem, Beowulf kills Grendel, becomes King of the Geats, dies 50yrs later from mortal wounds after trying to slay a dragon, is cremated, and has a tower built to honor his legacy]. Filmed in Iceland, the cinematography is magnificent with its excellent barren display of wind-swept, rugged geography, but BEOWULF & GRENDEL on a whole however is uneven and falls short in a couple of main areas: At times, the editing was bumpy and the story meanders in long spots. Polley is completely miscast as Selma for while an accomplished actress, (and eye-catching as a fiery redhead) she comes across as an alterno/gothy/raver party chick fresh from a Lollapalooza, and both her monotone flat accent and performance feel like she's bored and phoning it in. And for a period piece that does a good job presenting a 6th Century Middle Ages setting, there's something off-putting in hearing characters dropping f-bombs that are just too modern for contemporary speak, thus feeling out of place and was a little distracting -- even if the swearing for the historical era was still accurate and rife. Regardless of these surrounding drawbacks however, overall, the movie should be seen because of the story's many presentations. And this Grendel is considered to be the most realistic depiction in this legendary fable.




TROLLHUNTER (2010)
Otto Jespersen, Glenn Erland Tosterud, Johanna Mørck, Tomas Alf Larsen, Hans Morten Hansen, Robert Stoltenberg, Urmila Berg-Domaas
Directed by André Øvredal
Thomas, Johanna, and Kalle are 3 college film students in Norway making their way into vast mountainous hinterland to film a documentary about illegal bear poaching. While checking out a dead bear and strange-looking tracks, they interview hunters and Finn Haugen, the head of the Norwegian Wildlife Board. The students are pointed towards another hunter, Hans, who prowls around in his battered Land Rover that is mysteriously scratched up from large claw marks. Traveling by ferry along the fjord coastlines, and driving on rainy countryside roads, the 3 seek him out in hopes of an interview and upon finding him are automatically rebuffed, but set off on foot following him nonetheless. Having picked up his trail to a campsite, one night in a spooky forest, after seeing mysterious flashing lights and hearing roaring, Hans comes bolting out of the dense woods, right at them shouting "troll!", and Thomas is attacked & bitten by a large creature. Escaping in Han's truck, and patching up Thomas' wound with duct tape, the trio find their own vehicle completely wrecked, and Hans admits that he is not a bear hunter but infact hunts trolls (as the only single licensed person to do so in Norway) as part of a secret government branch. Shocked and skeptical but excited, when the students again ask to film Hans' seemingly adventurous "work," (having already scrapped their original project idea and switched gears to make him their new subject) he again refuses but then relents, allowing them to tag along as observers. Agreeing to obey his instructions, they coat themselves in "troll stench," a disgusting excretion of slime meant to mask the smell of Christian blood(!) which trolls can sniff out at ease.

After ensuring the trio also don't believe in God or Jesus, Hans whips out a large, hood-mounted, flash strobe lamp that high-beams potent UV rays (ala sunlight) which turn trolls into stone (ala Medusa) or sometimes causes them to explode. The group venture back into the forest and are chased by a 3-headed troll known as a Tusseladd (or Tosserlad), which Hans kills and sledgehammers into rubble. Afterwards, he bitterly grumbles telling the trio he's sick of the hazardous job, and of risking his grizzled life for peanuts from his tightwad taskmasters; with Hans now wanting the students to expose the truth, in part to his own complex atonement for long-participating in bringing the trolls to near-extinction. Finn arrives with a team known as the TSS - Troll Security Service, to plant a dead bear carcass (scapebears(!) imported from Poland) and fake tracks, and warns the students to cease & desist with their filming, threatening to confiscate their tapes, but without doing so. Hans tells the students that Finn's job (as the bureaucrat) is to keep the existence of trolls hush-hush and come up with cover stories, while his sole task (as the civil servant) is to kill any trolls that stray from their boundaries toward the population (power lines are really electric fences to keep them penned in). It just so happens there has been an unusual spike in hostile troll activity with the dangerous creatures venturing out further from their normal native territories. Needing a blood sample for study, Hans wears a crude pots & pans homemade suit, and looking like a knight stepping into a Monty Python sketch (and would further have Tony Stark laughing heartily), sets a trap on a bridge by using some sheep, a goat, and bucket of blood as bait which lures a troll known as a Ringlefinch.

Physically smashed around, he successfully obtains the sample, and takes it to a TSS veterinarian (a softy who really cares about the plight of the trolls and speaks of their Vitamin D deficiency) and is told it'll take several days before the results come back. The group visit a farm with several uprooted trees scattered about, and apprehensively follow troll tracks into an abandoned mine leading into a deeper cave. When a pack of trolls (mountain kings known as Dovregubbens) suddenly return, the group hide out of sight to the sound of ungodly snoring and horrendous toxic farting. Trapped and scared stiff in the world's worst-ever wind chamber, a trembling Kalle confesses he is a Christian to which his scent is discovered. Found by the trolls, the group flee in panic from the lair but Kalle is killed. The duo become a trio again with Malica joining them to take over as camerawoman. Since she's a Muslim, Hans is perplexed as to how the trolls will react to this. Finn returns, this time to direct Hans north to "fix" the troll problem, and the group uncover evidence of a giant troll on the loose known as a Jotnar. As Thomas falls ill, the troll blood sample is revealed to contain rabies thus explaining their erratic and threatening behavior. Unlucky Thomas has been infected from being bitten earlier, and after several attempts in pursuit, Hans kills the massive Godzilla-sized Jotnar using a rocket-launched shell that turns the troll into stone. Once back on the highway, Finn and his agents show up again, this time intent on taking the students' footage.

But Thomas runs away with the camera and when he drops at the side of the road, a truck stops next him just as the tape cuts out -- with the driver presumably the finder of his last roll of film. An ominous epilogue states the 3 students disappeared never to be heard from again. With a slight compatibility to DISTRICT 9, this mockumentary blends the found footage stylings of THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, and CLOVERFIELD both of which at their most tiresome have their ingredients of being limited, anemic and pedestrian. Thankfully, that narrow bad rap is not the case here as people talk about trolls, search for trolls, and big pay off -- they find trolls. A lot of them. Further adding troll history and giving us various types, names and sizes that visually, instead of being seen through the poor quality of irritating shaky cam and awash in pitch dark with infrared, we get solid sequences in firm steady shots with sharpness. All while glimpsing great landscapes of Norwegian scenery that would do tourist promotion proud. And then there's the physical appearance of the trolls -- a striking creative look of top-notch CGI fx that is highly impressive, first-rate, and particularly shown very well in the night. Forget anything resembling small, runty, cute Disney-esque, mohawked rainbow goblins, or Middle-Earth faery tale fantasy: these nocturnal, mythical creatures here of Scandinavian folklore are colossal, big phallic-nosed, grotesquely malformed, wart-ridden, ferocious hairy beasts, ready to stamp the unfortunate living shit out of everything beneath them, and chow down on some livestock or humans when they get the munchies.

Aside from a little sluggishness, a few loose ends, and some bland acting, TROLLHUNTER is full of regional inside jokes thanks to various cast members being comedians whose dry humor banter was heavily improvised. The gruff, tired and unfazed Hans who becomes the focal point, and is paired with the students who are in over their heads, is a recipe for witty balance. But it's easy to see how this can be lost in droll translation, and while the emphasis is on the characters, the movie for many might be a mixed bag as it oddly makes the absurd tongue-in-cheek content & context seem far more dramatic and serious, for as the tone of credibility & realism is played straight, it is left for the viewer to find the amusement in the proceedings. A perfect example is the movie's meta ending of Norway's then-Prime Minister, Jens Stoltenberg, speaking at a press conference about the country's power lines. When he admits to having "trolls," this was actually a real clip in which he was infact speaking about oil fields and energy production, but the snippet was cleverly dubbed & spliced into the finale to seem like an unexpected, plain slip-of-the-tongue remark now holding an explosive and scandalous revelation for public record. And the stunned look on Finn's face who instantly turns to Stoltenberg is priceless. TROLLHUNTER is imperfect but still one of the far better, smarter, and more inventive found footage entries in this horror subgenre that is all too easily, and continually knocked for restrictive trappings and stale output.

HALLUCINOGENIC CHEMICAL STIMULATION AND OUT-OF-BODY ACID SCREAMS



JOHN DIES AT THE END (2012)
Chase Williamson, Rob Mayes, Paul Giamatti, Glynn Turman, Clancy Brown, Fabianne Therese, Johnny Weston, Jimmy Wong
Directed by Don Coscarelli
David Wong is a college dropout & slacker who recounts killing a zombie skinhead a year earlier with an axe, and philosophically pontificates if the weapon is the same after having undergone some changes. In a grimy Chinese restaurant, he talks to an investigative journalist, Arnie Blondestone, and tells him of the weird & supernatural happenings that have occurred in his city. David and his fellow dropout friend, John Cheese, are somewhat monster hunters and were at a party featuring John's band (Three Arm Sally), along with fellow buddies Justin, Fred, and Amy (who has an amputated hand, and whose dog, Bark Lee, bit the local drug dealer -- a wannabe Jamaican named Robert Marley). Back in his apartment, a high/freaking out John called David over, who found a syringe with a black-colored designer street drug named "soy sauce" that was given by Marley. The substance grants the user powerful and otherworldy knowledge as well as heightened psychic awareness which further opens a portal to multidimensional time travel. John (with a past version of himself having already contacted David) was the only one in his group that could see a bizarre creature, and when David was bitten by the active syringe in his pocket, now with a mind of its own, he was thrust into the various dimensions. Back in the present, a man named Roger North showed up in the backseat of David's car (as John was being driven to the hospital) to throw a slug down his shirt, and give him advice on the mounting strangeness taking place.

After he went off on a rambling ripride pondering life, North disappeared from the vehicle when David scared him off all gangsta/thug-style with his gun, and then stomped the slug into paste. David and John were then taken into custody and questioned by detective Lawrence Appleton about the party, and were shocked to learn that from an after-party thrown by Marley, the 2 of them were sole survivors whereas the remaining attendees had either disappeared or been gruesomely killed. Having heard enough, a stunned Arnie tries to leave but is shown a monster by David. During the police interrogation, John seemingly died but telepathically spoke to David for help to not only escape from the cops, but was also aided by a ghost officer who lead him to Marley's house. David (now having to use soy sauce to find out what happened to John) was knocked unconscious from Marley's drug, and as he awoke to find the detective (having gone nuts) getting ready to burn down Marley's trailer, he was told that John's body had disappeared and that the soy sauce is a gateway that allows evil to flow (as hostile beings can make their way through from the other side). The detective shot David but he survived by time-traveling to mess with the bullet. John controlled Amy's runaway dog by having the animal talk and drive David's car(!) to rescue him (because if Toonces can do it, why not Bark Lee?)

When a possessed Justin kidnapped David, John, Fred, Amy, and the dog, and took the group to an abandoned mall intending to use a portal ghost door to enter another dimension, John tricked Justin causing him to be killed by the detective, but the officer's eyeballs then spontaneously exploded and released an infestation of tiny white parasitic bugs whom then possessed Fred. And poor Fred was killed by a reluctant John. Amy opened the dimension door (with her missing phantom hand) which granted David and John access where they met up with Roger North, and a hotshot TV self-help guru/psychic/exorcist named Dr. Albert Marconi. The foursome banded together to take down an ancient bio-supercomputer named Korrok that operated as a genocidal deity which communicated through cartoons, and used soy sauce to conquer dimensions. As Marconi gave David and John a nuclear bomb laced with LSD to stop Korrok, the duo landed on an alternate Earth where naked minions wearing masks (looking like they are about to attend an orgy in EYES WIDE SHUT) and their leader named The Large Man, hailed them as chosen ones (tools) to set them free. This brutal society maims all of Korrok's enemies and when the duo were brought before Korrok, the tyrannical Supreme Being planned on devouring them to consume their wisdom & abilities, and thus conquer their world. When John blundered in trying to detonate the bomb, it was the dog that saved the day to defeat Korrok -- with Marconi telling David and John afterwards that this was meant to be all along.

Amy became David's girlfriend, and he and John followed in Marconi's mystical footsteps. Back in the present, a skeptical Arnie decides to publish the crazy story while worrying it'll torpedo his writing career, and is in for a shock when David makes a startling revelation about him. Later as David and John play basketball, they suddenly find themselves in a post-apocalyptic dimension. But what will the misfit duo do when they are approached by representatives of a galactic federation army who need them to end a deadly plague, save humanity and restore the world? Based on the same-named comic horror/sci-fi novel by Jason Pargin (or pen name aka David Wong) that originally started as a web series in 2001, the movie is eccentric and funny as it is baffling with its protagonists pulled into space-continuums that fiddle with perception; explore interplanetary alternate realities; are given paranormal means to talk to the dead; uncover an evil extraterrestrial plot that incorporates bodysnatching bugs; and ultimately try to prevent an alien invasion. Supposedly, the book explains the events in a more coherent manner and if so, it's too bad the adaption couldn't have done quite the same. The need for having to condense is understandable with timecrunching (and sticking closely to the source material is commendable) but for all of the random outlandishness that goes on, there was both a lot of confusion, inexplicability and plot holes that come from compromise and missing exposition.

So while the style from page-to-film frequently doesn't translate well in an overall broad sense, JOHN DIES AT THE END however (inspite of the wild narrative and slapdash of insanity all over the place), is a surreal & trippy oddity of lunacy that is best imagined as a blending of William S. Burroughs, David Lynch, and H.P. Lovecraft all through the filter of BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT/BOGUS antics, and Scot Pilgrim. Now whether that description amounts to either a cult hit, or sloppy mess depends on your threshold for peculiarity. Amusing, offbeat, and filled with manic monologues, the movie in total generally throws caution to the wind and certainly doesn't suffer from dullness, but the real test is in how much interest one can maintain when almost the entire second half of the movie feels lethargic. Loaded with screwy manifestations -- whether a demonic turkey-headed meat beast, using a bratwurst as a cellphone, or the very cool animated gorefest of giant spiders eviscerating people -- it's hard not to like this low budget picture (with sfx that are laughingly, and perhaps deliberately, rubbish) that hits the ground running in several directions; no matter how convoluted, incohesive and mental they are at most times. For those same reasons, JOHN DIES AT THE END will not be everyone's cup of tea, and even with some nice cameos by Angus Scrimm and Malcolm McDowell, will have plenty of viewers turned off and vowing to stick with weed.




BLUE SUNSHINE (1977)
Zalman King, Deborah Winters, Robert Walden, Charles Siebert, Mark Goddard, Ray Young, Ann Cooper, Alice Ghostley
Directed by Jeff Lieberman
What do a doctor speaking to his cancer patient (A), a housewife complaining about her hubby to a next door neighbor (B), and a woman babysitting for her friend (C) all have in common? The trio all lead us to Jerry Zipkin (who looks like a young & scruffier cross between René Auberjonois and Sean Penn, and keeps his hands in his pockets a lot). Jerry is at a Los Angeles party in a cabin where he sees a guest (Brion James) suddenly burst into a Rodan impersonation, flapping & squawking his arms. Then an old friend, Frannie (played by Billy Crystal's brother, Richard) descends from stairs crooning ala Ol' Blue Eyes. After his song, Frannie gets his wig yanked off for putting the moves on another man's woman, causing him to flee into the woods. With everyone out looking for him, he returns to the cabin, kills 3 women, and stuffs their bodies into a huge fireplace. Jerry confronts Frannie and fights him, and as both men spill outside onto a road, Frannie is fatally pushed into the path of an oncoming truck. With Jerry responsible for this death, and shot in the right arm by the vehicle's passenger, he is now wrongly accused of the party murders and goes on the run, first seeking medical help from an old friend he's tracked down, Dr. David Blume (from A). Jerry's feisty girlfriend, Alicia, also attempts to help him clear his name while pouring back cocktails. Stressed & frustrated, he discovers that 10yrs earlier in 1967, Frannie was amongst a group of Stanford University kids who had been given a bad batch of LSD ('blue sunshine') which caused the users to get shredding headaches, lose their hair, and the most alarming negative side effect: has turned them homicidal exactly a full decade after first taking the drug -- with the condition irreversible.

The drug dealer back then was Ed Flemming, who is now a Neo-Con politician running for Congress. When Jerry reads of a John O' Malley (from B), an ex-detective having slaughtered his family, he breaks into the man's house to sift through the crime scene where he suffers a psychedelic panic attack with a frightening premonition. Jerry and Alicia meet Flemming at his campaign headquarters, along with his bodyguard named Wayne Mulligan who was a former football player. Hoping Flemming will give him answers about the drug, Jerry comes up empty knowing Flemming is hiding something. Still a fugitive eluding the police (primarily Lt. Clay), Jerry returns to Dr. Blume and finds out that Doc knew Flemming from their school campus flower power days, having sold drugs for him as classmates were "turning on, tuning in, and dropping out." He asks for tranquilizers but leaves without any. Meanwhile, Mulligan hits on Alicia who is taken aback when he yells at a blaring truck that zooms by. Hesitant, she nonetheless agrees to meet him at a shopping mall discotheque. When Jerry visits Wendy Flemming (the would-be Congressman's wife from C) for more info about blue sunshine, she boots him from her apartment but unsettled, he comes back just as she goes bonkers, chasing 2 children in her care (who are shouting for Dr. Pepper!) with a butcher knife. Defending himself, he tosses her over a balcony. After Lt. Clay pays Flemming a visit enquiring about his wife's death and Jerry's involvement, Jerry is in a park frequented by junkies. At first spooked by a bald man (who is either gay cruising, another cue ball on the path to flipping out, or just an average weirdo), he sees Dr. Blume who hands over some tranquilizers.

As Alicia contacts Lt. Clay in preparation to apprehend Mulligan (to test him for blue sunshine), Jerry buys a tranq gun. When Alicia meets Mulligan at the disco, he is agitated by noise and excuses himself to the bathroom. Outside, Jerry sets up the tranq gun and Lt. Clay arrives to meet Alicia inside. Told that Mulligan is in the bathroom, Lt. Clay goes to fetch him but is promptly attacked and knocked out after Mulligan pulls off a wig. Mulligan returns looking like an angry Mr. Clean and goes spectacularly apeshit and trashes the place in berserk Hulk mode. As Flemming is giving a rally in the same mall (complete with lip-synching marionettes of Barbara Streisand and Frank Sinatra!), Jerry keeps an eye on him (as his campaign already has cover-up implications which will be worse should the crooked candidate wind up in Washington), but Flemming's speech is broken up by screaming patrons running past in terror from the disco. Flemming tries to take down Jerry but is shaken off as Jerry heads to the disco. He hits the dancefloor and grapples with Mulligan but quick-thinking Alicia cranks up the genre's terrible tunes knowing the loud music will drive Mulligan away. As Jerry chases Mulligan through the mall, will he be able to take down the linebacker with the tranq gun? Will he pick up some Xmas cards & wrapping paper as he passes through the gift shop? Did he hear Flemming's political ads playing on the TVs announce how "it's time to make America good again?"

Are there more individuals out there still to pop up as menacing, slightly zombie-ish, wacko chrome dome killers? BLUE SUNSHINE is an obscure & off kilter, socio-political fringe thriller that is delirious but entertaining with it's interesting premise that recalls early David Cronenberg without the graphic grossness. Far from innocent & harmless substance abuse, and the odd 'bad trip' from a couple of tabs, the idea of involving former graduates having indulged in past "experimentation" who are now respectable "establishment" who suffer mad shark-eye stares, psychotic breaks and lash out in raging rampage, makes for a great plot and seems to even carry a vague, elitist anti-hippie sentiment. The movie does have pacing problems which along the lines of suspenseful made-for-TV fare, has some bland characters, overacting making for unintentionally funny, and the tension sometimes deflating into flatness, but if nothing else, it has originality going for it (regardless of twitchy Jerry flirting between silently subdued, erratic, immature, and ridiculously temperamental to the hilt) and offers a lot of guess work as to who might be a potential kook. Also of note is how the movie is a real product of the 1970's. The backdrop of that decade saw a penchant for cynicism and mistrust with unnerving films of the post-Vietnam & Watergate era delving into paranoia, conspiracies, and infection/invasion themes (all with resident car chases).

Here, the uinque twist comes from the subliminalism of revolutionary counterculture values having turned into the horror of mass conformist, corporate/capitalist collaboration. [It's also probably no accident/coincidence that the narcotic nightmare of 'blue sunshine' ominously echoes the CIA'S notorious 'Project MKUltra' mind control program from 1953-73 that conducted secret experiments with psychotropic drugs on human test subjects in colleges & universities, prisons, and hospitals -- with the institutions each serving as fronts. Often unwilling citizens (Americans and Canadians) went haywire from mindbending trances & flashbacks, and the purpose of manipulating brain function was tantamount to torture. The most extreme accusations contend the CIA using MKUltra to create assassins, triggered from brainwashing. 20yrs of controversial revelations and damning documents led to Senate Hearings in August 1977]. BLUE SUNSHINE's discordant and eerie musical score adds to a creep factor, and with a firm cult status and crossover appeal, the movie was often seen projected behind many bands playing on stage at CBGB's during its early punk years, and UK group The Glove (The Cure's Robert Smith and Siouxsie and the Banshees' Steven Severin) were such huge fans of the film that they named their album after it. Overall, this movie is a neglected off the wall rarity that in addition to defying singular categorization, no matter how it's labeled (a more psychological cousin of THE 39 STEPS without the dementia from electric Kool-Aid?), still fits perfectly beside your copy of REEFER MADNESS.